Goodness me, it is a rare thing for me to write anything like this, but today I feel a need. Actually, I've felt a need for a while now, but life is so busy that I've not had the time. Busy in a good way. Which is part of what has inspired me to write this now. That and green eyes......
Let me explain.
I spent the majority of my life deeply unhappy and hating myself and everything about me with a violent passion. I struggle to find words adequate to convey how utterly pointless and worthless I considered myself. How scared I was of 'normal' people and situations. How every cell of me ached with a longing to be anyone but me. How I longed to be worthy of love.
As a child I once asked what colour my eyes were (we'd been doing basic genetics at school, and my eyes didn't seem to be either blue or brown). The answer I was given was 'pale crap to match your hair'.
I never forgot that. It meant I was ugly. To preempt bad comments, I developed a habit of putting myself down first - as if there was any further down to go. I was dreadfully unhappy. And so very lonely.
In the little fantasy world I created for myself I had friends; I was loved and happy. I wasn't ugly with crappy hair and eyes. I was beautiful, with red hair and gorgeous green eyes. I longed with all my heart for green eyes.
Life trundles on. In the event, being so lonely forged a fierce independence, which in turn made me capable and determined. I recognised that I had 'issues', and I threw everything I could at getting myself 'right'. Decades on, and now I barely recognise this person I am.
I now have an amazing life surrounded by love. I have a husband that adores me and wonderful friends that still say such amazing things about me that I can barely take in that they are talking about me. My life now is full of so much music, beautiful things and love. Lots of love. I have as much joy now as I had despair back then.
Above all I'm starting to love myself (I whispered that bit). Just a little. I think I'm finally beginning to properly see the person I am. I've even dyed my hair red.
And do you know what? I had a good old look at my eyes the other day. It turns out they've been green all along. I just never saw it through the tears. I guess I haven't really changed at all. But my perspective most definitely has. And I'm so very glad about that.
Let me explain.
I spent the majority of my life deeply unhappy and hating myself and everything about me with a violent passion. I struggle to find words adequate to convey how utterly pointless and worthless I considered myself. How scared I was of 'normal' people and situations. How every cell of me ached with a longing to be anyone but me. How I longed to be worthy of love.
As a child I once asked what colour my eyes were (we'd been doing basic genetics at school, and my eyes didn't seem to be either blue or brown). The answer I was given was 'pale crap to match your hair'.
I never forgot that. It meant I was ugly. To preempt bad comments, I developed a habit of putting myself down first - as if there was any further down to go. I was dreadfully unhappy. And so very lonely.
In the little fantasy world I created for myself I had friends; I was loved and happy. I wasn't ugly with crappy hair and eyes. I was beautiful, with red hair and gorgeous green eyes. I longed with all my heart for green eyes.
Life trundles on. In the event, being so lonely forged a fierce independence, which in turn made me capable and determined. I recognised that I had 'issues', and I threw everything I could at getting myself 'right'. Decades on, and now I barely recognise this person I am.
I now have an amazing life surrounded by love. I have a husband that adores me and wonderful friends that still say such amazing things about me that I can barely take in that they are talking about me. My life now is full of so much music, beautiful things and love. Lots of love. I have as much joy now as I had despair back then.
Above all I'm starting to love myself (I whispered that bit). Just a little. I think I'm finally beginning to properly see the person I am. I've even dyed my hair red.
And do you know what? I had a good old look at my eyes the other day. It turns out they've been green all along. I just never saw it through the tears. I guess I haven't really changed at all. But my perspective most definitely has. And I'm so very glad about that.
